Rarely do I receive anxious calls from parents of straight A students. But this week I listened to the exasperation of a mother shaking the Honor Roll Certificate her 7th grade son had just receive…
Rarely do I receive anxious calls from parents of straight A students. But this week I listened to the exasperation of a mother shaking the Honor Roll Certificate her 7th grade son had just received. Yes, she was proud; yes, she considers him to be bright; and yes, she admits he earned his academic achievement on his own. She is not a helicopter parent checking her son’s homework for accuracy or even if he has completed his assignments. She is there to help, she explained, when needed. “I have to bite my tongue sometimes, I want so much to interfere, but I want him to learn responsibility and consequence.”
What’s creating her angst is the ease with which he is earning these grades. Homework is completed within 30 minutes, less time than spent at sports practice and music lessons. His baseball coach and guitar teacher raise the bar with his growing achievement. He welcomes the challenge that stimulates him to work harder. “But he spends more time on video games and watching TV than he does on school work.”
Exasperated, she contacted me to ask, “So why can’t the school provide more challenge? I can’t afford private school? What can I do?”
Feeling her frustration I began my attempt to defuse her growing alarm. While a private school curriculum might provide more challenge, her son, more than likely would be successful wherever he was in school. She had done a fine job thus far with her hands off policy, but no student could be expected to ask for more challenging work. It was time for her to take a more active role.
What can she do?
First and foremost, keep in mind, the school staff knows only what your child does from 8:00-3:00, Monday-Friday. They cannot be expected to know what goes on outside of their watch unless you tell them. With that mindset, and accepting that it is probably too late in the school year for her son to be moved to more challenging level classes, she can begin to prepare everyone for proper class placement in the fall.
Next, I advise she contact each of her son’s teachers to share her concerns. Ask what they can do now to help raise the achievement bar and to better prepare him for higher level classes for the next school year.
Finally, contact the school counselor about her concerns and desire for him to be placed in more challenging 8th grade classes. Then, before school begins in the fall, check back with the counselor as a reminder and confirmation that the correct level classes have been assigned to her son.
The job is not done yet. Keep in mind, everyone welcomes appreciation. Emailed notes of thanks can go a long way. In the fall, when the new school year begins, I suggest she keep a close watch on her son’s study time and challenge level. Continue to keep in touch with the teachers and counselor for schedule tweaking before it is too late to make adjustments, and of course, to express your continued appreciation.
No one ever said parenting would be easy, but you needn’t go it alone. Remember the school is your partner in your child’s academic success.
AND THE PULLMAN FAMILY GRADUATION
While Jake was soaring and ready to fly solo, his parents had not yet come through with the family dinner plan. And I wasn’t dismissing them until all our goals were met. Today I share with you my family dinner plan that led to the Pullman graduation.
When my children were young and school age, we used to dine out once a week, someplace inexpensive, but not fast food, where everyone could find something to meet their culinary tastes. But, to attend our family dinner, a ticket was needed – a written news article to be read in advance and ready to be shared with the rest of the family as we dined. The idea satisfied my need to encourage reading, and my husband’s desire for the children to develop confident speaking skills.
Each week the younger ones scrambled through kid-friendly magazines (It was the 80’s), while the older ones scoured the Washington Post for news that interested them. There were no restrictions. While there was some grumbling during the week, and last minute rummaging for news, the plan worked better than either my husband or I imagined.
Not only did we enjoy the dinner together, but the children actually listened to each other, responded, asked questions and sometimes even went home inspired to write letters to appropriate sources in response to what they had learned. I remember one very animated discussion about the killing of animals for the fur coats industry.
TEACHERS, PARENTS, GET INSPIRED!
Bring a news ticket (internet search is now quite acceptable for the new generation of children) and share a meal. Build children’s speaking and listening skills while enjoying a favorite cuisine. And best of all enjoy one another.
Did you hear, if Donald Trump becomes president, he will change New Year’s Day to June 14, his birthday, and call it Trump Day, a day to outdo any other?
Given the nature of the reform, both in terms of communicating such a fundamental change to a large population and dealing with critics of the new calendar, some Europeans continued to celebrate the new year between March 25 and April 1. April fools were those who still celebrated the holiday in the spring, and were the subject of pranks and ridicule by those who observed the new year months ago.” by TALAL AL-KHATIB
Another weekly tip to inspire students:
Teachers, parents ask your children to make up their own idea of the origin of April Fools’ Day before sharing the history with them. Depending on their ages, encourage them to write creative stories or draw pictures to share their thoughts. I welcome their creations at http://www.barbarahurwitz.com
This past weekend I read the Bam Radio 10 Education Ideas tweet filled with education related inspirational platitudes offering no methods, ideas, suggested teaching techniques. Sure children can be compared to snowflakes, each uniquely different, but unlike snowflakes children have minds, minds that welcome inspiration, creativity and love. And to inspire those minds teachers themselves must be inspired. Those that are open to new ideas and welcome challenges, new adventures, “novel” explorations are the ones who best inspire our children. I encourage teachers to never stop learning, creating and exploring and to share those goals with their students with more than words but with actions. Each week I hope to share a 5-10 minute warmup to help open minds to new adventures in learning.
This week I suggest reading a short poem aloud and encourage students to illustrate their thoughts through words or pictures. Join me by sharing your ideas with me and my readers. Those little “snowflakes” are ours together to help grow into a blizzard of inspiring thoughts and creative ideas and actions.
With an organization plan set in place, and time management under control, Jake and I embark on my third and final element to success – focus time.
By now I have learned that reading is most fatiguing for Jake. And because it is slow and arduous, his attention drifts easily. While his parents are complaining of the number of hours spent on homework, I can see the number of hours lost fruitlessly staring at pages while his thoughts are somewhere else. What we need is a new plan, something I never run short of.
Today when Jake I met I suggested we begin by reviewing the night’s reading assignment, quickly scanning the first 20 pages of Gary Paulsen’s novel Hatchet. Then while setting my stop watch, I asked Jake to read only until he felt his attention drift. After ten minutes, I saw his eyes lift from the book and follow a squirrel running through the yard.
“Stop,” I told him and slipped the book from his hands. When I saw he had read only seven pages, I knew there was room for improvement, but I was pleased, when checking, to find his comprehension was good.
“Okay, this is great,” I told him, but his raised eye brows spoke doubt of my encouragement. “No really, it’s really good. You can finish this assignment in only 20 more minutes if we break it up into two more reading segments. In between, you can have a snack, shoot some baskets, or play an active game, just no video games or texting.”
He welcomed the plan, but added, “My parents will never buy this.” They like many parents, want him sit until all his work is done.
I understood this concept. I was raised on it and have heard the same complaint from too many of my students. But if I could show the Pullmans that Jake would be done with his work at a reasonable hour following this plan, I was hopeful they’d buy into it as so many other parents have.
There’s something magical about working with a timer. It helps keep students focused and even when they drift, it’s only to check the timer, which with it’s diminishing count down, always reinforces the return to the task. With Jake it was no different. He was able to complete the reading with relative ease and maybe even some enjoyment.
As we continue to work together in the next few weeks, we’ll begin to adjust the timer upward until Jake reaches an age appropriate attention level. Because I like to encourage student decision making, in the future I ‘ll always ask Jake to decide the number of reading segments and number of minutes to set on the timer. I’ve found the the beauty of this method is students like to challenge themselves increasing their focus time without much if any encouragement from me. Here’s hoping Jake follows the pattern.
Note: All characters are fictitious and resemblance to anyone is purely coincidental.
As an educator and family coach I have met with too many teary eyed and angry parents struggling to accept their child’s challenges. This guilt can often over power responsible action. As I tell all parents: It is not your job to make the perfect child; it is your responsibility to help them be the best they can be and to love them unconditionally. Today I am sharing a guest post from a wise ADHD coach offering the essential tools to conquer the help guilt and move forward responsibly.
#4 Ways to Mold Parenting GUILT into Parenting Responsibility
By Judy A. MacNamee; ADHD Coach
The American Heritage Dictionary defines parenting as: “The rearing of a child or children, especially the care, love, and guidance given by a parent” However, Morrison, (Chas E Merrill, 1978.), adds that parenting is “the process of developing and utilizing the knowledge and skills appropriate to planning for, creating, giving birth to, rearing and/or providing care for offspring”. I see it as a combination of both, inclusive of love and guidance coupled with knowledge and skills.
Yet, this perfectly cornered definition or any other one that you may have in your mind can be smothered often by parental guilt; guilt for not being there enough, guilt for yelling, guilt for divorce and guilt for working two jobs. You know…that list goes on and on because if a family, albeit it one or two or more parents, have a child with behavior and/or learning difficulties, it must be someone’s fault!
If you are taking time to read this, chances are “guilt” has engulfed you within its web. Unfortunately, the ramifications of guilt’s emotional grip don’t always end there. It may come and go initially, but the longer it continues to return the more chronic and even obsessive it can become. Self-blame can also rear itself in forms of enabling, misdirected blaming, anxiety and constant battles with yourself and your family.
As an ADHD Coach, I have witnessed parents’ feelings and expectations resonate within their child. The child may take on ownership of this guilt (no matter where it may stem from) and personalize their inability to meet those “perfect” expectations expressed or even internalized.
Lying and lack of motivation are often behaviors seen in teen clients as they struggle to avoid hurting mom or dad. Children may then avoid their own feelings and struggles complicating the parenting issue even more.
Enough discussion of the deep black hole of guilt, let’s look to opportunity and what steps a parent can take to look through a healthier lens and realize that there will be no perfect child? I am presenting four (#4) steps that you can begin today or even right now to begin down that road of change.
First, as a parent, we need to take some self-reflection and begin to rid of those limited beliefs. Listen to “your” story. Does it include the word “should” within the web of guilt? Let’s change the wording from “should” to “want” or an “opportunity to have.” Change the story you are telling yourself and reflect on that. Pause; look at the patterns that may have developed and what is one small step you can take today, to change it. Journaling will strengthen that, as well.
Secondly, look back at our original definition of parenting. “-process of developing and utilizing the knowledge and skills appropriate…” Parenting IS a skilled process! Just like your child didn’t come out of the womb with organizational skills, you didn’t evolve into adulthood with the skills needed to parent your family. If you feel that you need more skills; think of it as a continuation education of the parenting kind, then look to invest in counseling, parenting workshops or other community groups that can provide situational skills. You will get better and better and when you begin to see results, the family dynamics will change too.
Thirdly, focus on the process, not the result. Parenting is not a competitive event where scores are kept to see who wins. I know, there are those out there who do like to keep score, aren’t there? It is a life-long process and it’s that we must keep in sight. Try to move your focus from the goal(s) to the love, care and guidance and embrace each moment.
Lastly, don’t do it alone. Find a friend for support. Join a Facebook Community Support or Parenting Support Group. You are changing possibly years of engrained habits and feelings that will take time and you will want that support from others, just as you can support them.
Parents always say the years go by so quickly. Focus on one day at a time and realize you are the best you can be. Take the responsibility for the love, the caring, the energy put in to the process and enjoy the ride!
Judy MacNamee is a former educator and founder of ADHD CoachConnect, in Columbus, OH and can be reached at www.adhdcoachconnect.com where you can sign up to receive her monthly newsletter. You can also follow her on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/AdhdCoachconnect